Sunday, August 25, 2013

When You want to Kill Yourself, But Not Literally

There's not a single person out there reading this article that hasn't at some point in their lives typed in the phrase "I want to kill myself" or "suicide" or something along those lines while doing a Google search.  Whether you are suicidal or not, it's just an inevitable thought that is going to creep up in your mind.  And while I can go on and on about reasons you shouldn't kill yourself that's not really what this is about.  If you really do want to kill yourself then I'm not going to sit here and say "stick around here for a while and keep reading."  Go talk to someone, anyone.  Do something, anything.  And if you want to read something, try this article from Cracked called The Ten Minute Suicide Guide. Or perhaps this one called I Want to Die from James Altucher.

The point I'm trying to make here is that all of us have contemplated "not living."  But most of us are far from actually committing the act of denying our bodies the ability to breathe.  When faced with that situation most people statistically try to stop themselves at the last minute.  The reason?  It's purely physiological.  Human beings really don't want to suffer the physical pain required to kill themselves.   And believe me folks. Whatever method out there you think might be "painless" isn't.  Swallow pills?  You're gonna feel something before they take over your heart and make it stop.  Shoot yourself in the head?  That last second of your life is going to be the feeling of a bullet traveling through your head.  That can't be good.  And so on and so forth.  So what's the problem here?   The problems lies in the fact that we don't literally want to die, rather we simply don't want to live.   We just don't want to put up with the mess that is life.   At least I certainly don' times.   The problem with the anxiety ridden crowd like myself, or those that catch themselves in a rut,  or people that are clinically depressed, or anyone faced with difficulty that feels too overwhelming, is that all too often the feelings of "not wanting to live" creep in.  They not only creep in, they tend to take over your life and interfere in ways you just never thought would happen.   Hell that's why I love to sleep so much.  I'm one of the lucky anxiety sufferers.  I happen to sleep like a baby because my anxiety tires me out so much.  Other folks aren't so lucky.  They spent countless hours in thought.  "How am I going to pay my bills?"  "What am I going to do the rest of my life?"  "Why did my husband have to die at the age of 30 and leave me with my two children and no money?"

No matter what the situation one is facing, the common theme is not wanting to deal with that situation.   If those feelings become too great, suicide can become the eventual outcome and has been for too many people.   But as James Altucher puts it, if you want to put it in "death's" terms the death we actually seek is the death of our seemingly insurmountable challenges.   For example you don't want to die yourself, but rather you want your bad situation to die.  You want the feelings of hopelessness to die.   And so on and so forth.   I can't tell you how many times I've thought to myself "death is so much easier."  It doesn't mean I'm gonna end it all but can I really deny that that's the truth in certain circumstances?  Not at all.  It is.  Because frankly not being alive is definitely easier than some of the feelings and situations we go through.  How could it not be?  Wouldn't you rather be sleeping than feel the pain you feel?  Of course.  So death isn't too far from sleep in terms of your mind having you feel pain is it? Not at all. 

However, the last thing I'm here to do is to tell you to stop and smell the roses.  Be grateful for what you have.   Get up and do something about it!  Nope.  That may work for about five seconds but inevitably your crappy feeling will come back and when it does?  Sit in it.  Sit in the feelings.  Let them be.  Recognize that you certainly don't want to carry out the physical acts of killing your body.  In fact you probably never really wanted to do that.  You just don't want to deal with who you are right now.  Honestly that's part of the human condition.   And the last thing you need to do is read 10,000 articles about suicide or go on forums, chat rooms, whatever it is that will pair you up with thousands of others wanting to take the plunge.   I'm not saying to sit on your ass and not do anything.  But I am saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with actually sitting with the thoughts for a while.  The more you try to push those thoughts aside, the more powerful those thoughts will become.  The more you let them in, the likelier they will subside.  It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but it'll be at some point.  Will you be ready to face the world then?  Eh, probably not but at least you won't want to end your entire life over a thought.

Hell I'm still here.  Miserable as I may be but at least I lived long enough this morning to type this piece of drivel.

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