tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39773020068804654822024-03-13T04:10:06.420-07:00Rollie's Blog Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3977302006880465482.post-24785382869014228612013-09-01T09:52:00.001-07:002013-09-01T09:52:24.154-07:00Dream Job: To Cast "Those People" in Movies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WtjtW3jlEjA/UiNwiya9QzI/AAAAAAAAADw/DWGFasofjbc/s1600/lardass-01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WtjtW3jlEjA/UiNwiya9QzI/AAAAAAAAADw/DWGFasofjbc/s320/lardass-01.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Have you ever seen a person in a movie and thought to yourself, "how in the world did they find that guy?" Like the other day I was watching "Lost in Translation" and that scene when Bill Murray is in the hospital waiting on Scarlett Johansson and he has that funny conversation with that old Japanese lady? How did someone find that old Japanese lady?<br />
<br />
Or how about the movie "Happy Gilmore?" Remember that super weird looking caddy he has towards the beginning of the movie? It's a kid with weird curly blond hair who kind of looks albino and frankly psychotic. Who the hell found that guy?<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
I know that a Casting Director is the person who casts the characters in movies but are they the ones who cast every single person? My gut tells me "no way." I think a casting director is the person who finds the major stars for a movie and there's an entirely different role for the person who finds "special roles."<br />
<br />
That's the job I'd like to have. To be the guy who finds those completely random characters in movies who you'll never forget. Sure you'll never, ever know their names (unless they somehow go on to be famous) but you'll always remember those strange characters they played.<br />
<br />
The only flip side to this coin which kind of sucks is being the person who responds to the casting call for the weird role. Shouldn't it hurt someone's feelings? And what kind of ad do you put out in the paper? <br />
<br />Like the movie "Stand By Me," did someone put out some ad saying "Looking for someone to play the role of Lardass AKA Davey Hogan. You'll have to be overweight and look like the kind of person who gets made fun of all the time." I mean seriously. "Looking for person to play the ugly guy in X film." Personally I think that would be the worst part of the job. But it must be fun to walk around cities just looking for weirdos and asking them to be in movies. Then again if they're truly weirdos this job could be unsafe.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I think this job would rock. Thanks. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3977302006880465482.post-38282791398041519362013-08-29T16:30:00.001-07:002013-08-29T16:30:45.244-07:00I Wasted at Least 3 Hours Today Looking for Problems that Didn't Exist<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UkhbjP3xezk/Uh_YYM4DHJI/AAAAAAAAADg/qNynfs2MDtQ/s1600/100821WarningSign.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UkhbjP3xezk/Uh_YYM4DHJI/AAAAAAAAADg/qNynfs2MDtQ/s200/100821WarningSign.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Let's see. I start off the day waking up at 6:30 am feeling pretty good about myself. Feeling good that I had the discipline to actually stand up and stay up at this time instead of crawling back into bed to try and sleep and not face the day. I zip through my daily work responsibilities and am feeling close to home free at around 11:30 knowing that a potential 1pm finish is around the corner. I even hear the good news that I'll be getting a nice fat five figure check in the mail to boot. And what happens? All of it. Every single last bit of good feeling I have goes down the drain because of one email. One email that's unbelievably minor in the grand scheme of things. In fact it's like a joke how minor the email was.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
It was a writer who works for me telling me that a few pages on one of our websites were showing 404 not found errors. Then when you refresh said pages they appear as normal. So the site wasn't down. The most important content on the site was still appearing. All the other sites were functioning perfectly fine. Nothing but these few pages were screwing up. But what did I do? Emailed, searched, searched, emailed, checked, called, checked, emailed, searched, emailed. Then I did some work for about 10 minutes. Then went back to checking, work, checking, searching, emailing, checking email, looking on Facebook to see people were online to make sure they were alive. Yes I was even doing that as I occasionally (normally) do. <br />
<br />
It doesn't take much to trigger my anxiety and once it's triggered it's on. That's the amazing thing about anxious people. It's the fake stuff they can't handle. It's the projections they can't live with. Someone dies? I'm a pro. I can be there for my wife, family and be the strong husband I'm supposed to be. We lose the house? We'll make it work. It'll be OK. I'm actually quite good at real life. I'm horrible at fake life. Fake life is my projected life and it's that life that rears itself more often than I'd care to accept. <br />
<br />
Today it pretty much kicked my ass. The positive I can take out of it is that I did in fact go to the gym. I did get to play with my son and wife today. I did manage to eat a tad more than yesterday and I plan on eating a nice amount of food once this post is published. And I suppose I hate myself a little less right now than I did a few hours ago when I was relentlessly looking for more problems to superficially find their way into my life. <br />
<br />
It's what I said before a few days ago. There's really no way out of anything but through it. That's the only way. It's making yourself do the things you know are right despite how much your mind resists it. It's the hardest thing to do. The issue with the anxiety afflicted is that most people don't treat it like a disease or a disorder. They think something is wrong with them. I hope harder than anything that I'll have the discipline to know when I'm being absurd and no matter how hard it is to break free of the obsessive thinking I engage in, that I actually have the power to put it off to the side (it'll never disappear, that much I've accepted) and maybe, just maybe it won't be as prevalent for the time being. Hell if an alcoholic knows not to drink alcohol then shouldn't I know that when my thoughts and actions become obsessive I need to engage in focusing on something else? Easier said than done.<br />
<br />
It's now 7:23PM. Three hours wasted isn't horrible all things considered. I've gone over a week of wasted time in certain stints. And I've gone days without eating, so I guess today's a "victory?" Keep on keepin' on. La dee da, la dee da. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3977302006880465482.post-34260059416517543052013-08-28T13:43:00.001-07:002013-08-28T13:43:38.350-07:0020 Things I Hate about James Altucher<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gOMeS1AYDXo/Uh5gs1T5xtI/AAAAAAAAACo/cXtWRtMZybo/s1600/james-altucher-get-rich.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gOMeS1AYDXo/Uh5gs1T5xtI/AAAAAAAAACo/cXtWRtMZybo/s320/james-altucher-get-rich.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
In my Google Plus account I'm following one person. Do you know who that person is? It's James Altucher. Mr. Altucher is known as (well let's go to the Wikipedia page shall we?)<br />
<br />
<i>James Altucher is an American hedge fund manager, entrepreneur, and bestselling author. He has founded or co-founded over 20 companies, including Reset Inc. and StockPickr and claims to have failed at 17 of them. He has published 11 books, and is a frequent contributor to publications including The Financial Times, TheStreet.com, TechCrunch, Seeking Alpha and The Huffington Post.</i><br />
<br />
<i></i><br />
<a name='more'></a><i> </i><br />
<i> </i>Altucher also writes an incredibly popular and honest blog called <a href="http://www.jamesaltucher.com/" target="_blank">Altucher Confidential</a>. <i> </i>In fact it was his blog that inspired mine. Altucher talks about virtually anything that's on his mind but he mostly sticks to the self help, financial, and entrepreneurial angles. His advice is helpful and his motivation permeates because of his honesty. So why the hell do I hate this guy? Here are 20 reasons why I hate James Altucher. <br />
<br />
1. Every single time I say "Altucher" I think of Serena Altschul from MTV and I forget how the hell you pronounce the guy's last name. <br />
2. I hate how he can't just bullshit me like everyone else and make me a believer in whatever the hell they're selling.<br />
3. I can't stand that he actually makes me think about my life and ruminate in the crap instead of pretend that everything is ok.<br />
4. I hate that he's a morning person because I hate mornings and desperately want to become a morning person.<br />
5. I hate that he goes to bed by 9pm and my eyes won't shut until at least midnight.<br />
6. I hate that he failed so much and didn't give up because now I have to try<br />
7. I hate that he's 11 years older than me thus having more time to let it all sink in.<br />
8. I hate that he can program code and I can't.<br />
9. I hate that I'm much better looking than him but not nearly as honest or successful.<br />
10.I hate that he had the guts to quit a life he didn't like<br />
11. I hate that he actually had $15 Million in a bank account and lost all of it<br />
12. I hate seeing him on Yahoo! all lax and chill like everything's gonna be just fine and can help everyone<br />
13. I hate that I'm wrong about that and he kind of says just the opposite.<br />
14. I hate how when I'm suicidal I don't really want to kill myself, I just want bad things in my life to die. He told me that and I hate him for it because I'm still alive and still suffering<br />
15. I hate that he's passionate about what he does for a living now<br />
16. I hate that so many have been inspired by him but most won't amount to much because that's generally what the world is made of: people who talk the talk but won't walk the walk<br />
17. I hate that he got a divorce, lost his house, freaked out and moved 70 miles from a place he loved.<br />
18. I hate that I now don't want to send my kid to college because I want him to be an entrepreneur like me. I thought everyone's supposed to go to college! James screwed me with that notion.<br />
19. I hate that he only writes on his blog every few days instead of every day.<br />
20. I hate that I don't even remotely hate James at all. If there were more honest birds out there like this guy we might just feel a little better about ourselves.<br />
<br />
Screw you Altucher.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3977302006880465482.post-52746081185969353352013-08-27T15:57:00.001-07:002013-08-27T16:00:02.519-07:00There's Something Very Wrong with Posting about Death on Facebook<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gge_Q-DdKME/Uh0urpZqCgI/AAAAAAAAACA/vdhC-J0wl4c/s1600/death-of-facebook-end-of-social-media-world.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="161" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gge_Q-DdKME/Uh0urpZqCgI/AAAAAAAAACA/vdhC-J0wl4c/s320/death-of-facebook-end-of-social-media-world.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I have a Facebook account. Chances are you have a Facebook account. I've been guilty. You've been guilty. We've all posted things or used the Social Networking service for things we probably didn't intend to and even made fun of at some point. Frankly I think the whole site has become a place where people become miserable seeing the 1000s of pictures of their friends having a great time. It's also become a place where similarly to Twitter, people mention any and every single thing they are doing the moment they are doing it. And that leads to a whole bunch of useless information and valuable time wasting. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"></span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I wish we could go back to using Facebook for it's intended purpose: seeing what old girlfriends or boyfriends look like now and hoping to God they look horrible. Well, that's the purpose for the 30 and over crowd. For the college crowd, which I am deeply jealous of, it's for "hooking up" or whatever else you kids are calling it these days. Man oh man if I had Facebook in college I would have never, ever even bothered going out prior to <strike>stalking</strike> talking to some girl I knew at least was attracted to me. Talk about cutting out effort. It's beautiful. </span></span><br />
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><br /></span></span>
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">But with all things beautiful, an ugliness eventually reveals itself. And while Facebook is a beacon for some businesses, can enhance communities, connections, websites, commerce, you name it, ugliness reveals itself there too. Cybercrimes are growing. Stalking is rampant. And trickery runs all over the place. People are being lured into scam after scam being told to "like" this and "like" that. Then the algorithms change and all of a sudden you don't "like" what you thought you did and then your feed gets all messed up and you have no idea what's going on. Then the privacy settings switch and oh God hell is breaking loose!</span></span><br />
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><br /></span></span>
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">In any event, let's get to the subject. Like I said before we've all been guilty of saying something as dumb as "going to the gym, just had a great workout!" on Facebook before. It's your way of telling the world that you worked out and you're proud of yourself. Congratulations, not a single soul cares. In fact we're all annoyed because we didn't go to the gym today. Hooray! You posted a picture of yourself chilling at a beach in the Caribbean. Is that supposed to make me happy? But I digress. These aren't even the things that upset me that much. They're just stupid and one can disregard them quickly. However, if there's one thing I took seriously it was what I noticed this past week.</span></span><br />
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><br /></span></span>
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Two people I know had deaths in their families and spoke openly about it on Facebook. This is where I somewhat draw the line. I know when death occurs it can make a person not think clearly but is your mind so out of whack that you seek validation from others through a social networking platform? Some things in life are pretty sacred in terms of human connections and emotion. Death among them. To bring death to Facebook just isn't right in my book. Especially when it's done like this. Here is an exact quote of something I saw today which really disturbed me. Someone in my network has a husband who is terminally ill, might die soon and this is what she writes....</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent"><i><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Before
**** passes (the Doctors think he only has a week or 2 left) I want him
to give the girls a special necklace. Any suggestions please? Where
should I go?</span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent"><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">And then this post came the very next day</span><i><span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"> </span></i> </span><br />
<br />
<i><span class="userContent">I went black dress shopping but couldn't resist this dress!</span></i><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent">The second post came with a picture attached which I won't share here.</span><i><span class="userContent"> </span></i><span class="userContent">With all due respect this is an example of someone jumping the shark and an example of what exactly you do NOT do on a social network like Facebook. Death is a very serious matter and bringing it to Facebook so publicly isn't making matters better. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3977302006880465482.post-74584262735060592862013-08-25T06:53:00.000-07:002013-08-27T09:32:39.441-07:00When You want to Kill Yourself, But Not Literally<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-V8MseJC6n7s/UhoKzbJsrUI/AAAAAAAAAHU/A-nGUF4IqXA/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-V8MseJC6n7s/UhoKzbJsrUI/AAAAAAAAAHU/A-nGUF4IqXA/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
There's not a single person out there reading this article that hasn't at some point in their lives typed in the phrase "I want to kill myself" or "suicide" or something along those lines while doing a Google search. Whether you are suicidal or not, it's just an inevitable thought that is going to creep up in your mind. And while I can go on and on about reasons you shouldn't kill yourself that's not really what this is about. If you really do want to kill yourself then I'm not going to sit here and say "stick around here for a while and keep reading." Go talk to someone, anyone. Do something, anything. And if you want to read something, try this article from Cracked called <a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html" target="_blank">The Ten Minute Suicide Guide</a>. Or perhaps this one called <a href="http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/08/i-want-to-die/" target="_blank">I Want to Die</a> from James Altucher.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The point I'm trying to make here is that all of us have contemplated "not living." But most of us are far from actually committing the act of denying our bodies the ability to breathe. When faced with that situation most people statistically try to stop themselves at the last minute. The reason? It's purely physiological. Human beings really don't want to suffer the physical pain required to kill themselves. And believe me folks. Whatever method out there you think might be "painless" isn't. Swallow pills? You're gonna feel something before they take over your heart and make it stop. Shoot yourself in the head? That last second of your life is going to be the feeling of a bullet traveling through your head. That <i>can't</i> be good. And so on and so forth. So what's the problem here? The problems lies in the fact that we don't literally want to die, rather we simply don't want to live. We just don't want to put up with the mess that is life. At least I certainly don't....at times. The problem with the anxiety ridden crowd like myself, or those that catch themselves in a rut, or people that are clinically depressed, or anyone faced with difficulty that feels too overwhelming, is that all too often the feelings of "not wanting to live" creep in. They not only creep in, they tend to take over your life and interfere in ways you just never thought would happen. Hell that's why I love to sleep so much. I'm one of the lucky anxiety sufferers. I happen to sleep like a baby because my anxiety tires me out so much. Other folks aren't so lucky. They spent countless hours in thought. "How am I going to pay my bills?" "What am I going to do the rest of my life?" "Why did my husband have to die at the age of 30 and leave me with my two children and no money?"<br />
<br />
No matter what the situation one is facing, the common theme is not wanting to deal with that situation. If those feelings become too great, suicide can become the eventual outcome and has been for too many people. But as James Altucher puts it, if you want to put it in "death's" terms the death we actually seek is the death of our seemingly insurmountable challenges. For example you don't want to die yourself, but rather you want your bad situation to die. You want the feelings of hopelessness to die. And so on and so forth. I can't tell you how many times I've thought to myself "death is so much easier." It doesn't mean I'm gonna end it all but can I really deny that that's the truth in certain circumstances? Not at all. It is. Because frankly not being alive is definitely easier than some of the feelings and situations we go through. How could it not be? Wouldn't you rather be sleeping than feel the pain you feel? Of course. So death isn't too far from sleep in terms of your mind having you feel pain is it? Not at all. <br />
<br />
However, the last thing I'm here to do is to tell you to stop and smell the roses. Be grateful for what you have. Get up and do something about it! Nope. That may work for about five seconds but inevitably your crappy feeling will come back and when it does? Sit in it. Sit in the feelings. Let them be. Recognize that you certainly don't want to carry out the physical acts of killing your body. In fact you probably never really wanted to do that. You just don't want to deal with who you are right now. Honestly that's part of the human condition. And the last thing you need to do is read 10,000 articles about suicide or go on forums, chat rooms, whatever it is that will pair you up with thousands of others wanting to take the plunge. I'm not saying to sit on your ass and not do anything. But I am saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with actually sitting with the thoughts for a while. The more you try to push those thoughts aside, the more powerful those thoughts will become. The more you let them in, the likelier they will subside. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but it'll be at some point. Will you be ready to face the world then? Eh, probably not but at least you won't want to end your entire life over a thought.<br />
<br />
Hell I'm still here. Miserable as I may be but at least I lived long enough this morning to type this piece of drivel. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3977302006880465482.post-13370098600507436912013-08-23T18:25:00.000-07:002013-08-27T09:34:07.253-07:00Dealing with Anxiety is the Same in Any Book, But Actually Doing it Feels Impossible<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--mszYCd0AOE/UhlF-LrrgEI/AAAAAAAAAG8/fm6vpgp-oTs/s1600/self-help-books-008.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--mszYCd0AOE/UhlF-LrrgEI/AAAAAAAAAG8/fm6vpgp-oTs/s320/self-help-books-008.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I happen to be one of those anxiety sufferers who has read more books than I can count, who has been to a therapist (and still goes), and has tried more than one medication. And guess what? It's gotten me nowhere. Yippee! Sound familiar? Well not completely nowhere but when anxiety strikes it sure as hell feels like nowhere. But if there's one thing that books and therapy have in common, it's this theme of "accepting." A theme that I seem to fight on a daily basis. Whether it's a book called <i>Brainlock</i> that deals with OCD and challenges you to use the 4 R's, which is to Relabel, Reattribute, Refocus, and Revalue, or it's Pema Chodron's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449" target="_blank"><i>When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times</i> </a>that essentially is based on the "here and now" and challenges the reader that instead of running away from problems to run directly towards them, or if it's Eckhart Tolle's <i>The Power of Now</i> which essentially says there is nothing BUT now so why worry about a past and future that don't exist? Frankly I recommend reading all of these books. Why not? Get as much perspective as you can.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a>But that's not my point. That's not the crux of what I'm talking about here. You see, the lessons learned in these books are all the same. ALL the same. They're just stated differently. In order to deal with anxiety (life as it were) you don't seek an escape. In fact seeking an escape or trying to remove the anxiety from your life is actually going to create more of it. It always does. In the book <i>Brainlock</i> the definition of the four R's are as follows.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Relabel</span> - the thoughts are 'not you, it's your OCD!'. <br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Reattribute</span> - your OCD thoughts as being the result of faulty 'brain wiring' <br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Refocus</span> - perform an 'adaptive' behaviour instead (Gardening, sewing, some activity which you enjoy, and most people find physical activity the most effective type) <br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Revalue </span>- refuse to take the symptoms at face value - they are 'toxic waste from my brain' <br />
I hope that this will be a useful way for me to combat my OCD problems, though I know it is far from easy to combat.<br />
<br />
So let's say you are anxious and are compulsively thinking. According to the four R's you are supposed to first, stop, acknowledge the thought and say to yourself that it's your OCD or in my case, anxiety acting up. Then I'm supposed to acknowledge that it's a faulty brain. Immediately after that I'm to cease what I'm currently doing and do something else for 5-15 minutes and then come back and recognize the situation for what it was. I bring this up because this exercise is in essence what every single book I read says. It's message is to stop what you are doing, accept it, recognize it, focus on something else and know this is a part of who you are and rather than run away from it, live WITH it. <br />
<br />
So it seems like with all of this reading. with all of these tools at my disposal that I'd handle anxiety better right? Sometimes, yes. But often times, not even close! That my friends, is my biggest issue. That I actually know HOW to get out of my ruts and yet my mind doesn't allow me to do so. Or at least that's what I believe to be the case. That's like saying "I know 2+2=4 but there's a slight chance that it doesn't and I'm gonna live my entire life with the notion of that tiny percent that is holding out on 2+2 perhaps not equaling 4." And all along I <i>know</i> how insane this is and yet I keep doing it.<br />
<br />
This is why I call my anxiety an addiction, because it is. I cannot run away from it and it always rears it's head. I'm always somehow getting my "fix." So how in the hell do we deal with this? It's one of those "no excuses, get it done" type things. You just HAVE to do these things. You MUST acknowledge what is wrong. You MUST face it. You CANNOT run away. You HAVE to refocus and do something else. Otherwise what's your alternative? Thinking more and more and more and more and more and more until you are completely exhausted and have nothing left but a limp body ready to pass out from overdrive. And when you're ready to pass out? You'll think and obsess even more. Me? I don't even eat and I can't get off the computer to save my life. I read article after article in hopes of finding some kind of answer, something external that will fix it all. It never works and it never will. It's that acceptance and behavior modification that actually works. <br />
<br />
What's scary is that this just sucks. I hate that I have to do this. I hate that I have this "responsibility." This "problem" to "manage." But it's my reality. It's my literal situation. I live in the unreal world of projection thinking and my projections become so real that they're real to me even though they're not technically real. Even as I write this I can see how insane it looks. But I know there are more out there just like me.<br />
<br />
So keep on people. DO THE WORK. Make the effort. FORCE YOURSELF. It's the only way. Seriously it is the ONLY way.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3977302006880465482.post-4590827814648409182013-08-22T16:44:00.000-07:002013-08-27T09:34:17.970-07:00I'm Addicted to My Anxiety<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sj4PF06itRI/UhlG5fXr-hI/AAAAAAAAAHE/waLDwoTHUfM/s1600/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sj4PF06itRI/UhlG5fXr-hI/AAAAAAAAAHE/waLDwoTHUfM/s320/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety.jpg" width="320" /></a>Even as I write this sentence I’m freaking out that my entire business that I’ve been running for the past 6 years is going to fall apart in one instant. Just one bad call. One crappy email. One server blip and the entire system shuts down for good. It’s all over and there’s nothing I can do about it….but I think I can. I know I can. All I have to do is check my email 600 times a day. All I have to do is work 14 hours a day and stay glued to the computer. I just have to keep checking and checking and checking. All I need to do is call up my business partner and know that he’s there. That’s he’s alive. That the business still exists. I just need to check Facebook to see that he’s updated his page to know he’s out there somewhere tending to things like I am. That he's alive. If the sites go down I’ll worry even more. I won’t eat. I won’t sleep. I won’t do anything but worry. I think that by doing these things it’ll help my cause. I think that by constantly focusing on that thought that it’ll magically restart the servers or put money in my bank account. I actually believe the mess I put myself in is in some way a panacea to a real world problem that doesn’t even exist yet. I don’t really think that but I act that way anyway. My logical mind tells me all the facts but I’m not dealing with logic here. I never have been. And that my friends is the rub. That’s the thought that pains me every single day and kicks my ass time after time. It’s the battle I’ll never win but am convinced I can. It’s my addiction to anxiety.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a>That feeling may not be at the forefront of my mind all the time. The world isn’t always about to crumble for me. I sometimes feel in control. I sometimes rationalize and even believe that things are OK. But in some way, shape or form, that feeling is there 100% of the time. It may be dormant but it’s there. Waiting to strike and waiting to once again take me over. No matter where I go. No matter who I speak to. No matter what people tell me. No matter how many facts are in front of my face. No matter how many emails I read. No matter how many reassurances I get. No matter how much my wife loves me. No matter how many times my son smiles. No matter how much money I see in the bank account. Everything always points to the inevitable downfall and crash of my existence. Wait a second, I thought it was my business we were talking about here. Nope, it’s me, myself, who I am and what I’m worried can happen in the future. It’s my anxiety talking and it’s my anxiety winning as it usually does. <br />
<br />
I’ve run the searches. I’ve looked for the books. I’ve tried my best to find the answers. But you know and I know that when you have anxiety and it doesn’t go away those answers don’t exist. They’ll never exist as long as you’re in a perpetual state of worry. Sure there are books on addiction. 1000’s if not a million on the subject. Anxiety? The entire world is filled with anxiety. But anxiety as an addiction itself is something I’ve had a hard time reading about let alone finding an entire book on the subject. Sure there are articles like this one by Judith Orloff called “<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-orloff-md/anxiety-addiction_b_839238.html" target="_blank">Are you an Anxiety Junky? 7 Strategies to Break the Addiction</a>” It’s a nice little article that gives you a 6 question test to determine whether or not you are addicted to your anxiety and then it gives you 7 techniques to overcome it. Things like eliminating coffee and sugar from your diet, avoiding people who reinforce your fears, taking deep breaths. That’s all well and good and the article is much appreciated but if you’re like me, the issue runs a hell of a lot deeper than doing a couple of “ohhhhmmmms” in my business chair and then life returning back to “normal.”<br />
<br />
Having an addiction to anxiety is like any other addiction only it’s worse because it’s all in your mind. Am I saying that my anxiety has caused me so much peril in my life that I’ve wound up committing adultery and alienating my wife? Nope. Did I wind up in a dumpster after an all-night anxiety “bender?” Nope. In fact I live in a nice home, have a nice wife, a son, make a decent income, and am a highly functioning individual in society. So what the hell is wrong with me? I will never know. Let me say that again so I feel better about this situation. I will never know. Thing is, I know, but 99% of the time I’m battling myself trying to figure out an answer I’ll never find. Trying to win a battle that can’t be won. It’s a battle many of us face. Some more than others. For some, it does get to the point of rash, real life consequential actions. Some anxiety does push people over the edge. It does cause people to drink. It can lead you to seek out pleasure from prostitutes. It might cause the destructive paths you see other addicts taking. But what if the addiction to start with itself were anxiety? Can this even be possible? I’ve got 34 years of living proof that it isn’t only possible, it exists in me, and probably millions of other people. Some folks just handle it better than others. I’m not saying one addiction is necessarily better than the other, but for me personally I argue that my addiction is worse because it’s in my mind and there’s nothing I can do to get rid of it. Does that mean there’s nothing I can do? Nope. But I know it will never, ever, as hard as I try, be gone. Ever. So how is this worse than other addictions? Well, if you have a drinking problem, you stop drinking. Or at least you try. One day at a time you try not to drink. If you’re addicted to heroin, you stop doing heroin. Or at least you try. But what if you’re addicted to worry? What if you’re addicted to incessant thoughts that never seem to fade? There’s no stopping something like that. Sure you can take a pill. You can drink to alleviate the pain. You can even do crack, heroin, or cocaine to make it go away. But eventually it always rears its little head. When your mind is where the problem exists it’s one of the toughest problems to solve. But as I’ve learned, it’s not a problem that can be solved. It’s only something that can be managed. So welcome to my blog, the 3 or 4 of you out there who are reading this. Let's ride this wave together and not figure this thing out at all. Let's just go with it and try to have fun along the way. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02151679255332845174noreply@blogger.com0